My wife will divorce me if I accept a bribe — Okey Ndibe

US-based writer, Prof Okey Ndibe, talks about his fatherhood and literary journeys with GBENGA ADENIJI

How would you define fatherhood?

A father I would say is one of the most important responsibilities that any man has. The father is particularly burdened with the tasking of shaping the moral and ethical development of his children. And of course, being a father, it goes without saying, also involves catering to your children and wife’s material needs. But the most crucial thing is to shape your children into productive members of society who know the difference between right and wrong. That is the particular bequest that my father gave to me and that is what I try to pass to my children.

When did you become a father and what was the experience like?

I became a father first on March 15, 1992. It was when our first child, a son, was born. I was in the hospital room when he was delivered. I was the first hand to carry him and that privilege for me is something I take seriously because the baby in coming from the doctor’s hand into my hand, I was assuming an important responsibility in relation to that child. That became also the story of my subsequent two children that I was always in the room to carry them after the doctor delivered their mother of them. There is a bond between you and your child and that bond is sacred for me. People talk about ‘would you die for a cause.’ A good father and a good mother would actually lay down their lives for their children. But we are not called to die for our children on a regular basis. But at least, we are called to sacrifice for them, to give them all that they need or what you can afford to give them to become productive members of society.

What fear did you nurse prior to becoming a father?

There is a lot of anxiety and one of it is whether you have it within you to be a father. You constantly wonder you can rise to the occasion of the day-to-day challenges of raising a child. And especially for me, I was blessed. I was going to say fortunate but blessed is really the word to have a father and a mother who were truly extraordinary, who modelled for us what it means to be parents. My parents showed us an example of how to love your spouse, children and prepare for the particularly sacred duty of raising children. I have parents who were extremely close to each another, used the same chewing stick in the morning, ate together, bathed together, went to mass in the morning together and expressed their love for each other.

If you ask my father who his best friend was, he would say my mother and if you ask my mother, she would say her husband; my father. I try to reproduce that in my relationship with my wife.  She is my best everything and in my relationship with my children, they are my treasure.

You are critical of government in your columns. How does your family feel each time you express your views in writing?

When I started as a journalist years ago, my parents sat me down and told me to strive to do two things in my career. First, to seek and speak the truth and second, be a voice to the voiceless. We have a society where our resources as a nation have been hijacked and plundered by men and women who are mindless, unconscionable and contemptible. Men and women whose entire obsession is with primitive accumulation of wealth. Men and woman who mortgaged the sacred opportunity to be actors in history and exchanged it for wealth to buy houses in London, US and so on without knowing that they could create a country that would be as beautiful as the US, UK that other people would be rushing to.  So, because of that particular rapaciousness and depravity of the ruling class in Nigeria, the vast majority of Nigerians have been reduced to conditions of animal existence. So, you have people who defecate in the open and it is now in practice that Nigerians pee in the open and around the corners where they eat. You have people who die on roads that should be well maintained but they are not. You have people who die from the most simple of diseases and sicknesses that societies have found remedies for. You find our kids who go to schools and receive mis-education because our schools are not well-funded and our teachers are not compensated and motivated to teach. When I find that kind of society, I find a lot of people who have been done in and I remember my parents’ commission to me and I say I must speak for those people.

I have a lot of contempt for those in government. The leaders in Nigeria are some of the well paid and some of the most disastrous in terms of the consequences of their actions. I find little to celebrate in them and I find a lot to be ashamed of in them and so that comes out in what I write. My parents and family are proud of what I do. My wife, brothers and sister are proud of and support what I do. There are some who are afraid for me for my safety. But I tell that in the end we cannot lead a life that is defined by fear. As I tell people, fear is a choice and I have chosen not to fear. I come to Nigeria as often as I wish. I walk around freely and I don’t hide. In fact, what I feel is a particular affection from the people I encounter on the street, airports and restaurants. I don’t feel any sense of danger at all. I tell people that those who are destroying this country ought to be the ones to live in fear.

How do you instill discipline in your children to become responsible individuals?

The first thing a parent does is to show his children by example. That was what our parents did for us. I relate with my wife the way I saw my parents relate. I keep no secret from my wife. I tell her everything I do. I don’t chase other women.  I am faithful to my wife. I have friends who feel it is great to cheat on their wives. My wife is the love of my life. It is the same with my children. I tell them about the ethics of hard work and they see me work hard. So they have to work hard. I tell them whatever they want to achieve, it cannot be achieved by laziness. They see me try to write a book and finish it. They see me finish the first draft of a book, then the draft of another book until I distill what I think is the potential of the book. I keep writing. I invest years writing a book without being sure that it would be published. But I tell my children that I think the book is important and that is why I put in whatever it takes to write it. When they get frustrated in a particular situation, I tell them, “Remember I wrote a book for three years. I wrote another one for eight years and I was writing different drafts. I could have finished the drafts and publishers would say we are not interested. But if you believe something is worthwhile, you have to work hard at it.” The first thing I do for my children is to show them example by the way I live. Of course, I talk to them and let them know that there are consequences in life for their actions.

Is any of your children following in your footsteps?

My older son is a talented poet. At a point he gave up poetry. I don’t specify for my children what they ought to be if they don’t want to be a writer. All I want for them is to discover their own passion. Writing is my passion. They should discover theirs and follow it. All my children write well and it doesn’t mean they will be writers. If they chose to be writers, they already have the facility of writing.

What values did you imbibe from your father which you are passing on to your children?

The first thing I learnt from my father, Christopher Chidebe Ndibe, a post master, was faithfulness and fidelity to my mother. I tell the story in my memoir that when I was growing up I was a rascal at some point. I was a playboy and used to have numerous girlfriends. I wanted my father to be like me. I felt why didn’t he have other women?  If my father wanted to drink, he would buy it and share it with my mother at home. He never went to a bar. Most of the places he went to he travelled with my mother. From that, I learnt faithfulness, commitment and fidelity. Also, he had a firm commitment to his family. He helped my mother to cook and sweep the house. He also did the laundry. He did everything said to be domain of women. Then I thought my father was wimpy but now I love to cook for my family. I see my wife as equal partner in our relationship. I didn’t see her as the person who should change the children’s diapers when they were babies. If I were the first person to see them, I changed their diapers. When the baby woke up at night, I would tell my wife to sleep and carry the baby. They are our children. They are not only my wife’s children. When my wife came to Las Vegas to visit me, she took a picture of where I was cooking for us and posted it on Facebook, some fellow who is Igbo and in Europe lectured me to return home, that I have overstayed in the US because real men don’t cook. I said that was foolishness and that only men who have doubts about their manhood would refuse to cook. The experience of cooking is beautiful and delightful that nobody would stop me from cooking. I make vegetable, egusi, okro soup and different stew. I make jollof rice and learnt what I cook.

My father had a particular allergy to corruption. He did his work and never took a bribe. He was committed to his work. I cannot recall any day he lay in bed to say he was sick. Every day I knew him, he was at work. That is why if I have to teach even if I have a headache, I say I have a responsibility to my students to teach them. My father died on May 28, 1995. When he died, I couldn’t come home for his funeral, but my father in-law, the late Prof. Babs Fafunwa, went to my hometown in Amawbia,  Anambra State. When he returned to Lagos, he called me on the phone and said, “Your father had a funeral worthy of a king.”

Prof. Fafunwa told me that there was a man at the funeral who said he was at a market in Awka when he heard about my late father and he decided to attend the ceremony. Every time I wake up, I remember that I am the son of this man (Christopher) and the son of his wife, Elizabeth. My mother is alive and she is 92.

Beyond the promotional aspect of your two books, ‘Never Look an American In The Eye and Foreign Gods, Inc.,’ what agenda are you trying to unfold to the Nigerian readers?

One doesn’t have an agenda. I think that literature is crucial to social and cultural development in any society. When you see a society where people have cultivated the art of reading for leisure, that society is usually forward-looking and dynamic, where people have a sense of what is right and wrong.  My books are part of this repertoire of books published over the years, doing well and finding readers. My books have found many readers in the US and Europe.

I felt it was an anomaly that my books are not being read as much in Nigeria. That was why I insisted that my US publishers should write a Nigerian publisher because I want my books to be widely available in Nigeria. I encourage people to read. If somebody is not reading my book but he is reading another book, I am happy. They should just read. We are in a society where we have become cynical about knowledge. We have become negative about reading. If somebody is reading, they will say, “Na book we go chop?” The truth is that, “Yes, it is books we will eat.” We have eaten nonsense, ignorance and delusion for too long. Let us eat knowledge, literature and awareness for a change.

How do you appreciate your wife?

My wife is the love of my life. She is a blessing to me. On one of the occasions I bought her home, my family named her, Nkechiyelum, meaning, The One God Has Given to Me. Above all, my wife is fortunate like me to come from a good home where she was taught good values. Let me tell you a story. I once went to Canada to give a talk. Before my lecture, a Nigerian professor there was telling people about the admiration for my column and books.  A woman there asked me, “When you write I hope you get something from them (corrupt politicians)?” The professor answered that “No, he doesn’t collect money. He condemns corruption.” She asked me, “If they give you money do you reject it’’ I said it is stolen money and I must reject it.  Then she said, “Next time when they give you money, take it and give me, I will spend it. I will eat it.” I told her that I do not hate her so I cannot give her something I reject as evil.

She asked, “Are you married?” I said yes. She said, “If I were your wife and they give you money and you reject it, I will divorce you.” I told her that that was why she cannot be my wife because my wife would divorce me if I accept a bribe. My wife carries herself with pride because of her background and so do I. Every day I wake up, I am grateful to God for the gift of this woman who is my best friend, best love and my wife.

Is there anything you would you have loved to differently as a father?

I would love to have spent more time with my children. I would love to be more patient because as I said, time is the enemy in many ways. I am a writer and I travel a lot. Even when at home, I want to be in seclusion and write. Finding time so that I am part of the family is a big challenge. I can have a deadline and a publisher or a magazine may commission me to write something. I always find a way to reconnect with my family and put them at the centre of my life because they are the centre of my life. I was reading about an American writer who won several prizes including the Nobel. His children said he was a terrible father who didn’t pay attention to them and that when at home, he would just drink his whiskey. I said what a shame. I would hate to win all the literary prizes in the world and then my children would say our father was useless. I would just want to write one book and my children would bear witness that this was a father who gave them attention and loved them.

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My wife will divorce me if I accept a bribe — Okey Ndibe

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