Fighting over the slightest mistake

Dear Yemisi,

I  have a friend who was given out in marriage at 18 to a 30-year –old man. She was given to the man by her mother’s friend sometime last year, though she is still waiting for the fruit of the womb.

My friend is a hair stylist apprentice while the man is a painter. It has been observed overtime that the couple is always fighting over any slightest mistake.

Please, what can she do?

Concerned Friend, 08***6*****.

Dear Concerned Friend,

What happened to your friend’s mother that necessitated her friend’s giving out her daughter in marriage? On what basis was she given out? Was she given out in exchange for an initial vow? Was her consent sought before she was handed over to the man? Has she any emotional attachment to the man?

Were they at any point in time friends either casually or mutually? The two of them cannot but get on each other’s nerves because there was no foundation for their coming together. Forget about the age difference, in the sense that they would have learnt while in courtship their weaknesses and strengths as they build on the relationship.

Was your friend’s consent sought before she was ‘dashed’ the guy?

Was their coming together a kind of ‘arrangee’ arrangement of a thing? Was the traditional bride price paid along with other gifts? Answers to these posers can only show the direction of how to tackle the issue headlong. To my mind, it is too early in the day for the cracks to be showing up even you a third party to have known that all is not well.

Their coming together is not likely to be a success as long as they find it difficult to communicate effectively. Are you sure of your facts? At this age and time, why will an unwilling girl be imposed on an unwilling man? Not until the basis for their becoming husband and wife is thoroughly established, they will continue to fight even over the minutest mistake.

If your friend’s mother is no longer alive, you will need the support and assistance of an elderly woman to find out the root cause of their constant fighting. Even if the two came together with their will, there cannot but be the teething problem as the two are from different backgrounds. The period of integration requires perseverance, tolerance and letting go for peace to reign.

But if the brushing becomes a daily occurrence, they need to consult a marriage counsellor for advice and monitoring. As long as she has been in the saddle for a year she will have to endure and ensure she submits her totality for conception to take place if indeed they are meant to be each other’s better half.

It is hoped that she has not given up her career in the name of forced marriage. Encourage her to face and pursue her vocation to the best of her ability. She should not give in into defeat and if she wishes to go back to school, she should not hesitate to do so. Age is still on her side.

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